Life Before Her Eyes
by Joie23
Summary: AU(ish): Her lips let out something in between an easy laugh and a relieved breath before she surrenders her mind to the darkness and it is the most merciful deed she ever allowed to be for herself.


_**This one is based on 'Life Before His Eyes' and it explores Ziva's choices in life. As you'll notice, I placed it in between 'Aliyah' and 'Truth or Consequences'. Before you start reading, I have to warn you some parts are of my own desire and imagination. Enjoy :)**_

* * *

><p>''Tell me everything you know about NCIS.''<p>

She senses both rage and fear in his voice and it makes her truly afraid for the first time since she's been captured. He comes every day and asks a question she does not give an answer to and it is a game they play, is it not? Perhaps not today. Silence is her only prerogative and she is using it. Today should not be an exception.

''No? Very well, _Miss_ David!''

He cuts the ropes on her tied hands and makes her stand. Does he want to fight her? She will have to disappoint him again, but one more (last) time means nothing anymore. It appears she is a failure wrapped in betrayals and it is only fair that she should die as she lived. But that does not mean she cannot feel pain. She constantly finds herself on the floor and up on her feet again. He takes her hair into his fist and smashes her head against the dirty wall. That does it. Her lips let out something in between an easy laugh and a relieved breath before she surrenders her mind to the darkness and it is the most merciful deed she ever allowed to be for herself.

**xxx**

_It is her third birthday and her gifts contain of two dolls. She plays with the Soldier and her Ima puts the unwrapped Barbie doll on the book shelf. _

_''You will be a big sister in seven months, Zivaleh.''_

_They name the baby Talia and Tali smells like sweets and she decides she likes her very much._

_Abba tells her how proud he is of the way she escaped out of the woods, but Ari's look disturbes her so much she cannot fall alseep that night. _

_Haifa is her favorite place in the world and the sea always makes her feel like nothing bad is ever permanent._

_Tali's favorite gift for her third birthday is a certain Barbie doll. She doesn't let her out of her arms. _

_''I'm sorry, Ziva. Abba says he loves you.'' She never wears her ballet shoes again. _

_Ari's hugs become rare as they grow and he is always away. She misses him. _

_Ima teaches her how to drive a car and she never laughed so hard._

_In September, Aariz does not sit beside her in school anymore. In November, she is shooting from a gun like it is the most natural thing in the world._

_Ima does not smile anymore and Abba is kissing another woman._

_''My Ziva, one day you will dance with a man who deserves your love.''_

_She has not seen Ari in two years. _

_''I want to be a doctor when I grow up. Like Ari.'' Abba, have mercy, please.''You may be whatever you want to, Talia.''_

_She finds Ima's body in the car and she is grateful that is the case. _

_''I would like to join Mossad, Abba.''_

_She cries the first time she takes a life._

_Tali is gone and there's a hole in the world and everytime she kills a person the hole gets wider. She cannot stop pulling the trigger. _

_''You just saved my life, you can call me Jenny.'' The woman reminds her of someone._

_'O mio babbino caro' has a sorrow meaning now. She still cries when she hears it. _

_Abba tells her Ari killed an American agent. ''He is to be dealt with, Ziva.'' She goes to America with nothing but hope._

_''We got off to a bad start. I'm Special Agent Tony DiNozzo.'' _

_Leroy Jethro Gibbs has blood in his eyes. She cannot lose Ari, too._

_She does not know why she tells Tony about Tali._

_Her hand is calm as her fingers find the trigger. Bang. Aariz is gone, Ima is gone, Tali is gone. Ari she lost before even finding him. There is nothing but holes._

_''I would like to join NCIS as a liaison officer, Abba.'' _

_''Miss David will be with us for a while.'' _

_The Americans are confusing. They are open minded and kind and she finds herself trying not to disappoint them._

_Tony intimidates her and perhaps that is why she doesn't invite him to dinner. Yet it is when he risks his own life for hers twice in a couple of months that she learns what partnership truly means. _

_''What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?'' Slaps and apologies are given and received, but Gibbs is still down. She is frightened and her cheek burns more than she would admit if asked. _

_''Remember!'' She pleads. ''You killed your brother? To save me.'' He remembers, finally. But nothing is right or good because they (she) lose him again. He is yet another hole._

_She finds comfort in Tony. Summer passes quicker than she would like, but she does not think of Haifa or the sea and her nights are peaceful. _

_''Save me.''_

_She knows Tony does not understand why she is suddenly so cold towards him, but she is glad he is not asking questions. She must protect him._

_''Not worth dying over. I'll remember that.'' Who would die for her anyway?_

_''Sometimes you need to find something or someone to focus your anger on. It's your only relief.''_

_Her second year with NCIS is the year of secrets. Tony is not himself, Gibbs is still recovering and even McGee has a secret of his own. She does not admit it, but it is the fact that he put her into his book that makes her feel like she truly belongs._

_Tony is gone. Tony is gone. Tony is gone. Her mind will not shut up. Tony is gone. _

_''What? No balloons?''_

_''Really? This coming from a woman who fell in love with the dead man walking.''_

_Damon Werth somehow reminds her of Ari. _

_''Be a man, Tony.''_

_''I was just gonna tussle your hair. Sometimes it makes you smile.''_

_Jen is gone and only when she and Tony find her exhausted body does she remember who Jennifer Shepard reminds her of. Jen is gone and so is that other person. She is thankful Tony does not ask her if she is okay after she runs out of the diner to vomit. _

_''Officer David. The liasion position with NCIS is being terminated. You're going home.'' _

_Michael is, pun intended, foreign. He makes her think of Haifa and the sea, but at least she forgets about Washington. She does not know when they became so important. _

_''Use her well, Leon. Ziva is the sharp end of the spear.''_

_Is it wrong to feel a little bit happy that he had her photos on his wall?_

_She acts on impulse most of the time, but not when it comes to them. She would do anything to keep her partners safe. ''I'm tired of pretending.'' She is tired, too. Mostly of herself._

_''You're not in your country and neither is he.''_

_She is torn._

_''Officer Hadar will not harm him. Only two people have the authority to do that.'' She could never harm him._

_''They do as I say!'' What? ''Rivkin?'' Abba, please. ''Always.''_

_''For you!''_

_''You loved him.'' No._

_''I do not know who you answer to anymore.'' Abba, have mercy, please. ''Make this your Aliyah.''_

_It is her fault. Everything that has gone wrong with their lives since she decided to join NCIS is her fault. She is a poison._

_''Take care of yourself.'' Gibbs' kiss burns her cheek more than Abby's slap._

_Before reporting for duty, she goes to Haifa and learns the sea cannot erase the bad from the world. Only good can do that and she can do nothing but follow Abba's orders. She does not delude herself anymore._

_''Tell me everything you know about NCIS.''_

**xxx**

When she opens her eyes again it seems as if she's been asleep for quite a long time. She finds herself in the same room she has been kept in for months and that fact makes her laugh for some reason. She laughs so hard and so loud it does not even make her wonder when she finally lost it. Perhaps this is her atonement. Being kept in a locked room, forever, surrendering herself every day to the dark only to awake to relive it all over again. If that is not funny, whatever is?

''Care to share with the class, Officer David?''

Laughter turns into a genuine smile when she notices she is not alone anymore. ''Shalom, Jen.''

Jen is wearing the very same clothes she wore on the day she was murdered, a blue camisole and black trousers. Her hair is redder than she remembers, if that is possible, the green in her eyes emphasized even more by one simple coat of mascara. She carries herself proud like she always used to and there is a certain comfort in the air suddenly.

''Oh, Ziva!'' Jen tussles her hair and she looks away upon seeing a pitying look in green eyes. ''Those bastards will get what they deserve, I promise.''

''It does not matter anymore.'' She replies. ''It's over now.''

''Ziva?'' Jen's edgy tone of voice causes her to frown. ''What do you mean it's over?''

She does not like this. Why is Jen asking her to state the obvious? She is dead. Is she not?

''No, Ziva.'' Jen says and her answer almost makes her cry. ''You're not dead. Not yet.''

''Are you a dream then, Jen?'' Her voice is trembling and they both know this is the first time Jen sees her afraid. ''A nightmare perhaps? Or a hallucination?''

''You are not dead yet, Ziva.'' Jen repeats firmly and makes her stand up. ''I am here to show you why.''

''Jen, I do not understand.''

''C'mon!'' Jen starts walking towards the doors and pulls her along. ''You will.''

Jen opens the door as if it is not locked and they step outside without alerting the man standing guard. Jen does not stop her quick pace and she cannot help but look behind to make sure they are not caught. She lets out a surprised gasp when she sees the doors are now closed and the man is sill undisturbed. The real surprise comes when she turns her head again and finds they are standing in someone's living room instead on a hot sand.

''The date is November 12th, 1985.'' Jen informes her and she now knows why the room looks so familiar. She has not been in that room in over fifteen years. ''Do you remember what you got for your third birthday, Ziva?''

''Dolls.'' She answers and there is confusement in her voice. ''Why are we here, Jen?''

''Did you play with them?''

She adored the doll Abba gave her and still remembered the smile on his face as she thanked him for it. The Barbie doll occupied the space on the book shelf until Tali was old enough to play with it. She never properly appreciated Ima's presents.

''Do you ever wonder who'd you turn out to be if you picked the Barbie, Ziva?''

Many times, as odd as it seemed to think about it, the Barbie doll was on her mind many, many times. Would she still have chosen the life she had? The life that Abba approved of and the life that took away Ima and Tali and Ari. Who would she be? If she had played with the Barbie, would she have become a different person? A better person? Would they still be alive?

''Why are you here, Jen?''

''To show you why.'' Jen repeats her previous statement and then nods encouragingly. ''Choose the Barbie, Ziva.''

**xxx**

_It is her third birthday and her gifts contain of two dolls. She plays with the Barbie and Abba keeps the Soldier doll on a shelf in his office. _

_''You will be a big sister in seven months, Zivaleh.''_

_They name the baby Talia and Tali smells like sweets and she decides she likes her very much._

_She is alone in the woods in the middle of the night and cannot stop crying. Abba comes to find her in the morning and spanks her for being shiftless. _

_Haifa is her favorite place in the world and the sea always makes her feel like nothing bad is ever permanent._

_Tali's favorite gift for her third birthday is a certain Soldier doll. She doesn't let him out of her arms. _

_Abba never comes to her dance recitals and she is happy for it._

_Ari's hugs become rare as they grow and he is always away. She misses him. _

_Ima teaches her how to drive a car and she never laughed so hard._

_In September, Aariz does not sit beside her in school anymore. In November, she has a new friend, but Aariz is always on her mind._

_Ima does not smile anymore and Abba is kissing another woman._

_''My Ziva, this dancing thing keeps you away from what is truly important. You are lost, child.''_

_She has not seen Ari in two years. _

_''I will fight the bad men when I grow up.'' Abba, have mercy, please. ''Of course you will, Talia. You are the strong one.''_

_She finds Ima's body in the car and she is grateful that is the case._

_''I got a scholarship to a good school in America, Abba.'' Abba does not come to the airport._

_Tali tells her she is Mossad two full years after joining it._

_She graduates with honours. _

_Israel is a foreign country and Tali and Ari are no longer familiar. _

_Tali is gone. Ari is gone. Tali is gone. Ari is gone. Tali is gone. Ari is gone. The words are like a prayer. Tali is gone. Ari is gone. There is a hole in the world and she keeps falling into it._

_''I would like to join Mossad, Abba.''_

_She trains day and night and there is no doubt that she will be the best someday._

_''I am making my Aliyah.''_

_She cries the first time she takes a life. Leroy Jethro Gibbs never stood a chance._

_They whisper she is the sharp end of the spear. _

_''My Ziva, you have made me proud.''_

_She travels from place to place, seduces both men and women, kills whoever is a threat. And whoever dares to look at her the wrong way. _

_''Miss David, you are one tough assassin to find.'' The American with an Italian surname has blood in his eyes, but he is not even near to the red in her ledger._

_''Be careful, Agent DiNozzo. Much like Ari, when I strike, I do it only once.''_

_Escaping NCIS takes little effort. _

_They are like a cat and a mouse. He is always one step behind and she finds herself enjoying their little game of chase._

_''You can run, but you cannot hide, Ziva. I will find you.'' She knows he knows she is smirking on the other side of the line and taunting him might just be what makes her keep breathing. ''I am counting on it, Anthony.''_

_Her fingers tremble as they find the trigger. Bang. She ends his life. Bang. He ends hers. The last thing she sees is green illuminated by the lights of Paris. _

**xxx**

Silence takes over when they return to the room that has become her dungeon. She notices her own body, lying in the corner where her captor has probably left her to die after smashing her head into the wall. Did that happen minutes or hours ago? Days perhaps? There's blood dripping off the wall still, though. It seems time passes wickedly slowly when you are waiting to die. She should really stop making pointless assumptions.

''I killed them.'' She finally whispers without taking eyes off her own body. ''I played with the Barbie, Jen. And then I killed them.''

''You joined Mossad, Ari and Tali died. And your father still got what he always wanted.'' Jen says as she goes to sit next to the unconscious her.

''I killed them, Jen.'' She repeats again. She cannot erase the picture of herself killing Gibbs and Tony. It keeps rewinding before her eyes and suddenly she is crying. The air is turning into smoke in her lungs and _she killed them_. ''They are dead.''

''They are fine, Ziva.'' Jen's voice holds a certain amount of strictness in that sentence. ''You made sure of that when you stayed in Israel over three months ago.''

''I stayed in Israel to prove my loyalty.''

''My point exactly. That's why Gibbs and Tony are fine.'' She pretends she doesn't see the little smirk appearing on the redhead's face. ''When did you realize who you can trust?''

''When Abba interrogated Tony.'' It makes no sense to lie. Jen was Gibbs' partner, she would know before she even opened her mouth. ''Abba felt it. That's why he _asked_ me to make my Aliyah.''

Before Jen has a chance to respond, they are interrupted by the opening of the doors. One of the guards comes in and kneels in front of her body. He puts his fingers on her neck and awaits. Thirty seconds pass and his lips turn into a smile and it seems she _is_ still alive. He makes sure he spits on her before leaving.

''He will burn for this.'' Jen hisses and starts caressing her unconscious self's hair.

''Was Tony married?'' She suddenly finds herself asking. ''Did I kill a father?''

''When Ari killed Kate, Tali helped him escape the States alive. Jethro couldn't let it go, could he? Then you killed him and Tony became obsessed with finding you. When would he find the time to get married?'' Joking was never Jen's forte. ''Ziva, you did not kill Tony.''

''But, had I played with the Barbie, I would have.''

''Yes.'' Jen is not one to hold back and her answer only makes her see herself pulling the trigger on Tony again. ''We usually don't see it until it's too late, but our choices always concern other people almost as much as they concern us. You chose the Soldier, you chose to save Jethro, you chose to stay in Israel.''

Does her choices make things right? She still hurt them. Nothing can take away spoken words and Tony left thinking she didn't trust him. She will never be forgiven for that.

''And I chose to stay alive.'' She suddenly realizes what Jen means. ''Why, though? What do I have to live for, Jen? The desert is treacherous and so are these men and they will get tired of me eventually.''

''You don't know it, but your gut does.'' They share a smile. ''Maybe you need to do things, see the sea again, tell him you love him. I don't have a right answer. I only know no one is inevitable.''

Jen is right, she knows she is. But that does not mean her sins no longer exist. She has not repented herself. Then, of course, there remains the fact that she has spent the last three months in this place and no one came for her. Her father, her _Abba_, did not come. Who will come if not her father? No. _No_. There is no hope anymore. She is lost. Death is the only way to leave the desert.

''Death is not the answer, Ziva.''

''How does it work for you?''

''I rock it, but this is not about me, is it?''

''I am tired, Jen.''

Her head is starting to hurt and her eyelids feel as if they bear an unusal weight. Somebody moans and she is not sure who. The world is blurry and she does not dare to hope. Jen is quiet, perhaps she disappeared or she cannot hear her anymore, but silence is screaming at her. Is this what dying feels like?

''The bastard is waking you.'' _Jen is here_. ''Ziva, do not give up. I know Jethro is the only person who can order you around, but _I_ order you now.'' Her voice is fierce, but she knows she would see tears in the green eyes if she could open hers. ''They're coming, I promise you.''

''I miss you, Jen.''

''They are coming, Ziva.''

**xxx**

''Wake up, Miss David!''

They do not give her a chance to come to her senses. A black shirt is put over her head and somebody grabs her arm and forces her to walk. She stumbles forward and every step is a new challenge. Her captor is speaking but it takes her some time to fully understand. By then, they have reached their destination and she manages to keep her balance when he pulls her to sit on a chair. His next words swallow the victory smile that started to appear on her lips.

''One of you will tell me the identities and the locations of all the operatives in the area. And the other one will die.''

Darkness turns into a mixture of green and blue and grey and she is at peace again.

''I will give you a moment to decide who lives.''

* * *

><p><strong>This is probably the longest piece I've ever written. I do hope that everything is somewhat clear, but if you have questions, you are welcome to ask. Also, Aariz is the Muslim best friend Ziva lost when she was a child. I just googled Muslim names and really liked 'Aariz' and I apologize if it's not a male name. Now, I want to thank all the people who have reviewed, favorited or simply read my other stories, so... Thank you, kind people!<strong>

**Okay, if you'd like, you may comment away now. It will make me happy :)**


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